I have the worst cashier crush on this one girl that works at the bank where I make the hotel's deposits. And in case you don't know what a cashier crush is, it's liking someone you have seen/been helped by multiple times at their place of business, preferably but not definitively with some accompanying flirtatiousness, with whom you are mysteriously enamored. And there is no logic to this other than that person is cute, moderately pleasant to you and has no engagement/promise/relationship rings. You need know nothing about them. In fact, I would say knowing ABSOLUTELY nothing about them is almost a symptom of the affliction. So there's this cute teller girl at the bank who is really nice and pretty and always wears sundresses and I have the worst cashier crush on her. Yesterday, I am making a week's worth of deposits and she, again, is very nice and says,
"Oh, a whole week? well i'm going to grab a seat, if you don't mind. If you'd like to take a seat as well our lounge is right over there and there's free coffee, etc." and I say,
"Oh, no, thank you, I'm fine. And take your time (I'm on the clock)."
"Haha, okay."
And she's halfway through the deposits when she finds one that does not add up properly and I ask if it's over or under and she says under and I feel, of course, like a ponce. Not only because I am embarrassed to have not double checked my deposits (professionally embarrassed) but also personally embarrassed because I have been caught out by a cute girl. (I am constantly living in fear that people will realize how unprofessionally-winging-it I am. Especially when I am operating in official, managerial capacities.) So she voids the transaction so I can take that mess back to the hotel and figure out where I crossed the wires and I thank her profusely and say I "owe her one," etc. incidentally, when she gives me the deposit back, she forgets to give back $.62 of change...
I get back to the hotel and set to the task of unraveling the mystery of the unmatched deposit only to find that I'm simply an idiot who can't do math and that the deposit slip was itemized correctly and I had just added the total wrong. Total rookie mistake and one I could have caught and repaired at the bank If I wasn't so busy being flustered. So I prepare the new deposit with the new deposit slip and discover that she has robbed me of my 62 cents. Whereupon I decide not that i should let it go and take another $.62 from petty cash to even out my drop, oh no.
I decide that this is my in.
I call the bank, explain I was just there and there was a young lady named Sara helping me and is she available and she is and it goes a little something like this:
"Good afternoon, this is Sara, how can I help you?"
"Hi, I was just in there. Alec, from the Comfort Inn? And you were helping me and we had that sticky deposit that didn't add up? Well I've got it all ironed out and I was just making up the new deposit, but did you, perchance, keep my 62 cents?"
"Oh! Did I? I'm sure I did, I'm so sorry. I'll take it out and have it set aside for you in an envelope"
"Oh, great, thank you. Yeah. I'm sorry. I just. I know, it's stupid, for 62 whole cents. I just, it was already wrong once, you know? And, okay. So thank you, that's great..."
"No, no, it's not stupid at all!"
Going pretty good so far, right? Well just you wait, Henry Higgins. It's about to get WEIRD.
"Well, tell you what. I owe you a starbuck. What's your favourite starbuck?"
"Oh, I don't drink coffee."
This is where a normal dude would just be like, oh, well thanks again, see you next time. But not me, oh no.
"I mean, they've got, like, fruitly drinks and whatnot? No?"
"No, thanks. No, no thank you."
"Oh, ohkay. Well... I'll see you... next time.... imakeadeposit. Thanks! *click*"
SUPER. TRAINWRECK. AWKWARDSAUCE.
Now I hope to holy hell that that last line or two was not really that awkward, and it's just the dark construction of my memory hole that makes it appear so, for the sake of embellishment relish on my story sandwich. But as awkward as it reads? Try acting it out. Make it a one act play. Only then can you truly enjoy the pure agony of my embarrassment.
As hilariously sitcommy and enjoyable my desperate grasping flailings toward dating are (pratfallingly clutching at happiness with the grace of a beached sea lion), I'd really rather just be in a relationship. Though my cartoon life is a lot more amusing/eventful when I'm not.
And as awkward and terrible (and hilarious) as this episode had been, I think overall my attempt was healthy and important.
Congratulations! You have just completed the first whinge-free entry! Hopefully it segues into a more amusing rantspace/episodic awkwardness serial. I have a thing about how highschoolers and senior citizens are the only true intellectuals because they're the only ones who can truly dismiss the real world and get down and dirty with the metaphysics of reality's slimy underparts. And also how it's stupid and ought to be outgrown. Seniors less so, because they have the wisdom to know it doesn't matter one whit, but they're one of the only two subspecies that has the privilege of disassociating from real life to the end of philosophical debate. Well, I'm getting too into it, now, but you get the picture.
If you are visiting my phantasmagorium of a brain for the first time, don't bother reading the older posts, they're all rescue efforts to the end of salvaging my sanity from a breakup typhoon. The new ones will be more fun.
